Sunday, April 18

safe haven

I felt so comfy in my new environment here, I fixed a hot little Oregon Chai (sugar-free variety has been a Goddess-send!)and just enjoyed the quiet! Not so great for a blog...but then again, maybe quiet in this world of intense scrutiny and *fill any void with some kind of words that will make you seem interesting/important/invaluable* community isn't such a bad idea.

But an empty blog doesn't really address the purpose for having one, does it?

I am a privacy freak at times. Most times, if I am honest; ferociously (shades of not-so-deeply-hidden paranoia?) protecting my personal and familial rights to stay firmly within my own created world without intruders butting in where they certainly aren't wanted or entitled. Not sure if that is because I am afraid or just stubborn. A good mix of both most likely. And then, on the other side of my psyche, I crave information about how some others tick, what they think, how they view things...and why. The more interesting ones (to me) fascinate to no end.

In order to feed the one need, I must risk exposing the other.

The word Sanctuary, in itself is a huge clue to which need I value the most. But damn, the concept of blogging and the intensely creative atmosphere is irresistable!

Such a dilemma. (chuckling at my self-defeating self.)

Or is it that I am more of a control freak??? (ah, another blog topic...good segue, anyway, for another day.....hey poetry! Another blog topic! )

I'm stopping now.

Saturday, January 16

Mind Games

All my life I've had flashes of brilliance...and moments of pure bimbo-esque brain blanks. I didn't necessarily notice those bi-polar tendencies very much when I was younger because, well, hell, I was young and immortal then (grin). So I don't think it is necessarily an *age thang*. I may only think that now because I am not on the upswing of youth! Let's face it, when you have had at least a half century of non-stop thought 24/7, 60/24, 60/60, a certain amount of honestly earned weariness sets into the ole brain cells. (that is actually pretty scary, realizing that I have never had a vacation from my own brain for ONE SECOND of my life!I am ALWAYS there!!!) Slipping into true denial isn't something I can readily do. And I have never adhered to any external mind altering tools that would dull my brain enough to create a respite of non-thought haze in which to hide. Too damn stubborn a control freak. And yet, as much as I like to control certain things, others I just couldn't give a hoot about.

I'll sometimes write something and then a while later go back and read the words, and think...Gees, that was pretty good...and wonder who the heck was inhabiting my body when I wrote it! I truly don't know where some of those words come from. I amaze myself (haha) because I'm always thinking that if I were just smarter/wiser/funnier/wittier/ I could have been so much more effective in life/liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I think too much. I think too hard, but I often don't think to the best ends of my thoughts. There is an impish little sprite that pulls me back from the pitfalls of too much stoic intelligence and goads me into breaking out in dance, or song, and a verse of *I don't care, I don't care, neener neener I don't caaaare* that saves me from my more brilliant self!

It's as if I will always own Park Place, but sabotage myself from ever owning Board Walk, too.

Maybe I should start embracing those mind altering external tools. Nah. I don't really want to miss the next round of utter chaos that is my brain. I've grown kind of fond of the ladies who dwell there and much too addicted to the games of my mind.

Friday, January 15

The Mind Never Sleeps. Kind of like those ocean waves....

Just relax...No NO I can't..the mind never sleeps!
disclaimer: Not seeking specific revelation, spiritual guidance. No specific personal quest here. Just one of many topics of conversation I had with the ocean this past while. And since the Ocean doesn't reply back except with basically the same monitone *uh splash huh*, I was having a lot of one sided conversations....but, the scenery was breathtaking! So these comments are not seeking personal clarity, just things that made me go hmmmm...and wondering if they make anyone else go hmmmm too.
Karma: if you believe in it in any form...the supreme court judgment of fate, moral retribution of the religious variety, spiritual balance, the cycle of cause and effect...good is as good does...what goes around comes around...whatever...
If you believe that you *pay* for your own behavioral modifications of life through some kind of Karmic justice or reward...what is the explanation when you realize you may become the walking, living, breathing victim of someone ELSE's Karma being practiced on them? That in spite of how you put the goodness out there, that Karma may take a bite of your life anyway in using your life and persona as a tool of someone else's big K.
Expectations: Whoever we are now in life, wherever we have come from we all start out with expectations. One of these expectations drummed into us from infanthood on is that we will live happily ever after~which includes finding a mate and...well, living happily ever after. Different countries provide different settings. It requires very little qualifying when we hear it for the first thousand times during our impressionable youth. It is just an assured statement.
"It will happen"
Question it and you will be pretty much ignored or patronized or branded a ______ fill in the blank for whatever term your generation gave to those who dared to think differently and question (grin)
Even in a world of enlightenment, not finding the relentlessly insinuated happily ever after attached to the prince charming or cinderella woman (small sidebar grin) still implies a certain failure or unworthiness. To both genders, really, though there are certain unappealing stereotyped labels that apply to one gender more than the other. The thought is still universal and heart felt, no matter the sex of the heart that may be searching for it just because it was stated as an expectation.
Failed expectation knows no gender.

And long after anyone actually DOES care what happens to you because they are dealing with their own life's unfulfilled demons and desires, we continue to beat the crap out of ourselves about it.

Get a mate, settle, compromise, balance, delude, assure, promise, deny...enjoy, grieve, rejoice, renege, insist, pretend...where is Alfie when you want to know what it is all about anyway? (ah good old songs live forever in the heart of hopefulless romantics!)

There just are so many unfulfilled hearts, so many truly walking wounded, even among those you would have bet your last penny were the real thing promised by all those find one actually fulfilled and honestly not living in some kind of den of denial or fool's might seem such an extreme oddity that you would tend not to fully believe their counsel and proclamations. It would tend to make you think that the "ever after" is, and always was, an extinct concept. And the best expectation is ...none at all.

However, (continuing this ocean speak stream of consciousness) if the answer so often heard in reply to the achy breaky business of happily ever after love thyself first and foremost, to know thyself and then you can handle everything...
where's the challenge?
where's the mystery?
where's the magic?
the sparkle,
the thrill...

have we permanently fucked ourselves?

Patience: Good things come to those who wait. Ah...but...A watched pot never boils. Yeah, yeah. LOL. If you stay patient as long as some people tell you to be patient, you will die first before ever making good hearty soup in that boiling pot!!! And if you don't watch the pot, the water will, at some point, evaporate and the bottom of the pot gets allll blackened.
You can't win for losing!

Cripes. Some people actually come back from the ocean relaxed!

Wednesday, January 6

Ah! Chance

Fresh beginnings with vintage friends.
Soulful promises cut some slack.
Oh! Status quo, some hearts don't bend.
Bittersweet memories with untied ends.
Moving forward, a few glances back.
Tearing apart, yet seeking amends.

Resolutions to what?
Change the obvious?
Oblivious to change?
Successful failure?
Fulfillments feigned?
Quotidian dreams
So it seems.

Hopeful hyperbole dousing fears
Own bootstraps firmly tugged.
Brave new world, drying tears.
Positively shifting gears.
Self healing needs luxuriously hugged.
As magic midnite minute nears.

Ah, Chance, another New Year.