Saturday, January 16

Mind Games

All my life I've had flashes of brilliance...and moments of pure bimbo-esque brain blanks. I didn't necessarily notice those bi-polar tendencies very much when I was younger because, well, hell, I was young and immortal then (grin). So I don't think it is necessarily an *age thang*. I may only think that now because I am not on the upswing of youth! Let's face it, when you have had at least a half century of non-stop thought 24/7, 60/24, 60/60, a certain amount of honestly earned weariness sets into the ole brain cells. (that is actually pretty scary, realizing that I have never had a vacation from my own brain for ONE SECOND of my life!I am ALWAYS there!!!) Slipping into true denial isn't something I can readily do. And I have never adhered to any external mind altering tools that would dull my brain enough to create a respite of non-thought haze in which to hide. Too damn stubborn a control freak. And yet, as much as I like to control certain things, others I just couldn't give a hoot about.

I'll sometimes write something and then a while later go back and read the words, and think...Gees, that was pretty good...and wonder who the heck was inhabiting my body when I wrote it! I truly don't know where some of those words come from. I amaze myself (haha) because I'm always thinking that if I were just smarter/wiser/funnier/wittier/ I could have been so much more effective in life/liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I think too much. I think too hard, but I often don't think to the best ends of my thoughts. There is an impish little sprite that pulls me back from the pitfalls of too much stoic intelligence and goads me into breaking out in dance, or song, and a verse of *I don't care, I don't care, neener neener I don't caaaare* that saves me from my more brilliant self!

It's as if I will always own Park Place, but sabotage myself from ever owning Board Walk, too.

Maybe I should start embracing those mind altering external tools. Nah. I don't really want to miss the next round of utter chaos that is my brain. I've grown kind of fond of the ladies who dwell there and much too addicted to the games of my mind.

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